Cole Hampton

I don’t know where to begin to be honest. I think that says a lot and reflects on New Zealand society and how we handle depression. I should say a little bit about myself and what’s been my ups and downs. I see myself to be the luckiest person in the world. I have people around me and I’m loved and recognized for what I do which is entertaining and creating – But for a while, I didn’t feel that way and I lost faith pretty quickly.

When I was 13 I started singing and man, I got to tell ya, that was an amazing thrill and I never get tired of making people happy and excited. But after I went off stage and got back home, I found myself to be lost and confused about who I was. I was asking questions to myself repeatedly like “Do I really like performing?” “Am I myself on stage?” “Am I too proud” “Am I good enough?”. I can’t really say when I was feeling depressed or having “low mood”.

In Year 10, I came out gay and it wasn’t a surprise to anyone really. It’s said that when you come out of the closet, you feel free and proud. I felt like I had come out all on my own and I felt empty. Even before I came out, I was bullied badly, especially in primary school. I was called a fag and the mental abuse was non-stop. But somehow, I always found an escape which was singing and acting. I did this for years and somewhat abused it and performed anywhere I could. Looking back, I found that it was only temporary happiness.

I remember when I was performing at a retirement village, I was applauded and told “You were wonderful dear”. I went back home and spent the evening alone. At the time of that performance, I was incredibly stressed. I was the lead in a very big show, I was wondering what to do with my life, and a family friend had died suddenly under unexpected and cruel circumstances. I’m not gonna lie, I was very open about this and vulnerable, seeking emotional support that wasn’t even there. The day after the performance, I kept myself in my room all day, shouting at myself, pleading people to come over and help me. At that point I truly hated myself and was scared of everything. That night, I made the biggest mistake I could ever make. I tried to kill myself. I was looking up at the sky and said “This is it; I’ve had a good run”. I cried and cried, I was tired of living, but scared of dying. I crawled back into my living room, where one of my friends had come out of nowhere. He was in shock. He and another mate took me to hospital, we were there for hours waiting for the C.A.T. Team. It wasn’t until five in the morning where they referred me to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services).

The next day my friend had kept me company at his place, he was very supportive and I do not know to this day how he coped with it all. A few other friends came over and kept me company, and after that my friend’s dad dropped me back home where my mum was there confused and unsure of what to do. I was angry and thought that no one cared about me that I was left alone to die. For the next week, I felt unmotivated, sleepless and scared of going back to school and being judged by people, even my teachers. No one in my family, apart from mum, knew what had happened. I called up my friend saying “Do you want to come over for a bit?” Trying to make the situation lighter and where I felt safe. He said he needed a break and he was “sick and tired of how I was acting”. I was furious and screamed at my mum, feeling like I could punch a wall. In the heat of the moment, I ran up Mount Kau Kau at dusk. I was panicking. I got to a forest where it was completely dark. I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t know what to do. Like I said before, I was tired of living and scared of dying.

The day after, I was put on medication for anxiety and depression. I said to myself, after a few days of obsession and fear, “I have to take these whether I like it or not, you can do it!”.

So for the next week I took them, and I redecorated my room. I was so pleased with the result and I felt as though, for the first time in a while, I had done something for myself. I realised that I had to myself occupied, even if it was washing the dishes, to help me deal with this, along with the psychiatry sessions and medication.

I went back to school, feeling okay but still sad of course. I decided to cover it up and smile, make some jokes and keep writing music. It wasn’t until I got really frustrated when I found a lot of my old friends not talking to me as much. I used to have these colourful conversations about things that made us laugh and sometimes cry. Now, it was these one word replies and backs were turned. I felt again, I had no one. I had found out that a lot of my friends didn’t believe I had tried to kill myself and they felt I used them. Why? Because I was putting on a fake smile and laughing. I was so angry and I asked myself “What do I have to do to prove I am feeling this way?”. People didn’t know what to believe and I was just sad again, of course still covering it up.

I talked to other people, particularly adults, saying that my friends were avoiding me and they hated me. They said something that frustrated me but ended up being powerfully true: They are too young and they don’t know what to do. This was said to me right after the suicide attempt even, I took no notice of it, but when I found out that people didn’t believe me at all about what happened, a light bulb went off in my head.

Before this all happened, I was talking to Morgan Thompson (part of Resilience) about depression and how much it is referred to and talked about in New Zealand’s society. We were both saying it is such a hard subject to talk about. And I find now, that it really is.

People, especially youth, don’t understand what it’s like to be depressed. You try and explain to them, but they still don’t seem to get it. I wish so much, along with other people in New Zealand who are dealing with this terrible illness, that their friends and family would understand what they are going through. This is a hard subject to talk about, although it is a very common disease in NZ Males, suicide is rated as the third highest cause of death in New Zealand males. Of course, this has to stop. You can have doctors talking to you, and a help line to call every night, but where are your friends and family in all this? It is so hard to find that very thin line of feeling sad and feeling depressed. I unfortunately have been jumping back and forth over that line which makes it more hard for my friends and colleagues to understand.

I don’t have a solution for this problem and that’s the truth. But if more and more people understood how much misunderstanding surrounds depression and “low mood” we can find a way to fight this terrible epidemic. I was contemplating whether to share my story or not because, well, I felt I was would be judged and misinterpreted, but, like I did in Year 10, coming out gay, I have to take a risk. People may be furious at me for writing this, or they might congratulate me, but I’m sure somewhere and somehow I will make a difference, along with other people who have shared their stories.

I will leave you with this. There’s an old quote by Billie Holiday saying “If I don’t have friends, then I ain’t got nothing”. That to me is the key to support.