Nick Malcolm
Living through our own mental health experiences can be tough, and most of us will have to do it one or more times in our lives. Which also means that someone we know – probably many people – are currently experiencing their own challenges, even if we can’t see it.
If you’re supporting someone who is experiencing one or more mental illnesses from time to time, this article is for you. It could be a family member, friend, or partner. For me it’s been walking alongside Chelsea, from when we first started dating, to life now that we’re married. Let me say at the outset that it’s not on you to “fix” them, or to stay with them so things don’t “get worse”. But for the time that you’re able to walk and grow alongside them, here are three things I’ve learnt which might be helpful.
Backstory
When Chelsea and I started dating at university seven years ago we were both driven people, eager to take on the world and seize every opportunity. Turns out the “driven” side became a bit problematic for Chelsea, and she burnt out. That’s a bit of an oversimplification though. Over time we came to learn that she experiences depression, or at least that’s a label which is “close enough”. Even today there’ll be a day, or a week, or a fortnight, where she gets stuck in a downward spiral. Sometimes there’s a reason, sometimes there isn’t. Though these experiences don’t define her or her abilities, they do have an effect on both of us. And when we started dating I had no idea how to deal with all of this mental health stuff, or really even care compassionately for another person. The great news is that we’re both still here, in 2013 we got married, and this year there’s a baby on the way! Looking back, here’s what has stuck out most for me.
The importance of good communication
The ability to communicate well is something we hear over and over again. When we first started dating I was a stereotypical guy. I’d hear Chelsea talking about something, and almost immediately my logical mind would form a super obvious solution to her problems, and I’d blurt it out. It took me a while to learn that this is very seldom helpful. For me and Chelsea, what she wants is someone to hear and understand what she’s saying. Empathise with where she’s at. Sure it might make no sense at all for them to feel that way – how could they be so silly! It doesn’t matter. They do feel that way, and logic isn’t going to change that.
If the situation allows, dig a little deeper into what they’re talking about. Show that you’re listening, that you care, and that you want to understand better what they’re trying to describe.
This is particularly difficult when the “problem” is you, and worse when absolute words (always, never, etc) come into it. “You always put me down”. “You never listen to me”. Chelsea and I actually did seek out relationship counselling just after we got engaged. One thing the counsellor taught us was to think of communication like this: you are each an individual island, connected by a bridge. Go meet in the middle of the bridge to talk. When the other person talks, they’re saying what they feel, not what you are. Same for you – you’re saying how you feel, and it’s what is true for you at that time. It’s kind of a cease-fire zone; try not to take things personally, but step back and see where they’re coming from.
What worked for us was learning to structure a conversation like this:
Them: “When I talk about how I’m feeling, you jump straight to an answer, and it makes me feel really stupid for not thinking like you do.”
You: “What you’re saying is that when I say something I’ll jump to an answer, and that makes you feel dumb?”
Them: “Yes”
You: “Knowing what I know about you, that makes sense to me. When I give an answer I’m trying to help, but I understand that you don’t receive it that way. I’ll try my best to remember that.”
Them: “Thank you for listening.”
It works the other way around too – it’s tough being on “the other side” of mental illness. I can get grumpy or tired or fed up just like anyone else, so being able to communicate where I was at emotionally and physically was crucial in letting Chelsea understand me, and prevent myself from getting burnt out.
I could spend ages communicating about communication, but really it’s best learnt by practice! Seek help from someone who’s good at it, and impartial, if you can. When we did counselling it was free through the government, and there may be programs around to help you out. Schools and universities often have free options, or get in touch with the Mental Health Foundation. When you’re able to truly hear what the other is saying, you’re able to build a stronger foundation of trust and support.
Have a Support Plan
Having a support plan in place is crucial – for both of you. A support plan is a step-by-step guide of actions to take when mental health experiences start to get challenging. We kept ours on the fridge, nice and obvious, so that if Chelsea was home alone she’d see it and be reminded of steps to take.
For her, the first few steps were around thought processes (from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to help stop the downward spiral before it got too much of a hold. This step involved techniques Chelsea could use by herself, in the moment. Naming something in the room that used each of her senses, running herself a bath, or purposefully distracting herself with her favourite program or book.
The next steps were a list of three or four people she could call on if that wasn’t working; safe spaces where she could go and just be whatever she needed to be. Whānau, close friends, some older folk from church. People who would offer a cuppa, wouldn’t judge, or try to solve problems, or even talk unless she was up to having a chat. She could go to them and get a helpful change of scenery, or they might come to her. By having multiple people, it meant that if someone was unavailable, or not up to the task that day, there was someone else she could go to.
After that, there were some other options: calling a helpline/CATT, asking me to come home from work, or driving to the GP/hospital.
For me, knowing she had a support plan made leaving her alone a lot less stressful. More often than not, the support plan worked. There were times when I had to drop everything and go home, and even today I’ll still occasionally get a call from her. Thankfully I have had understanding workplaces. But this is just the plan in action. A support plan means that help is easier to find, and that worst case scenarios hopefully very infrequent.
Be Persistent
The unfortunate thing about mental health is that it is seldom a quick fix. Bones heal pretty fast, and you get over a cold in a couple of days. With physical illness you usually look sick too! Mental health issues can be masked by a smile, but persist for a long while. So be just as persistent in seeking help. For Chelsea and I, sometimes she didn’t have the energy to be persistent in seeking the help she needed, but as a team we persisted until we found tools and people which worked.
If the person you’re thinking of doesn’t recognize that they need help yet, a gentle persistence might be required. So get help for yourself first, and get equipped with resources which can sustain you as you journey with them. Fingers crossed eventually they’ll see that professional help might work for them too.
It can be really hard to get into the system, especially if you can’t pay for private care. The government and health system is under-resourced, and in my experience unless you’ve shown up at a hospital in a really bad state, you can fall through the cracks. As far as you are able, don’t let that happen to you, or the person you’re journeying with. Be persistent in seeking an appointment with a mental health professional. Be persistent in telling your GP it’s not a minor issue, and that you need a referral.
Finding the right counsellor or psychologist takes time, and it can feel like lots of starting over. They have to get to know one another, and then find a therapy or process which works, over sessions which can feel too short or infrequent. Working with a psychiatrist or GP to find not only a medication, but a dosage of that medication, or multiple medications, which help set things straight can take months. Getting and keeping financial support from the government or community groups can also be a challenge. With all of these things, like cheese, good things take time. Be persistent, help where you can, celebrate the highs, push through the lows, and hopefully the effort pays off.
I mentioned before that Chelsea’s support plan included people and family who care. Not all of us have that, so persistence will be needed in creating, maintaining, and using a support plan which works for the both of you.
Recognise that persistence doesn’t mean being constantly full steam ahead. Look after yourself, know your limits, seek help, and find ways to recharge those batteries and learn new skills.
You might also come to a stage in life where sticking with someone isn’t the best course of action – in this case I’d still encourage you to be persistent in seeking help for yourself to make the transition in a way which is healthy for you, and hopefully for them too.
Wrap Up
Though your situation may be unique, and at times you might feel like you’re at a dead end, you’re not alone. There are people who have gone through similar things and are able to help. Whether it’s help for you, help for your loved one, or help for the both of you together, don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek it. Ultimately it’s going to be a long journey, with ups and downs. Cliché, but true. If that’s a journey you want to take with someone, think about how you communicate, create a support plan which works for you, and a fill up a big bottle of persistence. See you out there, on the road!
