Life Goes on, By Damien Rice
Mental illness has been a significant feature in the landscape of my life. It’s an heirloom, a family legacy which I have unwittingly inherited. My grandfather was an angry depressed man. My mother suffers from depression. It seems more common than not for people I know to have struggled with mental illness or emotional problems at least once in their life. In high school one of my friends began writing about death, cutting himself and later killed himself. Others I know have lived with mental illness their entire lives without it significantly or adversely disrupting the life.
I began feeling depressed and anxious in my mid-teens. No doubt I have some biological or genetic predisposition. But I think my personality inclined me towards depression. I am sensitive, introverted and reflective with a tendency to dwell on things. I am a visionary dreamer; an idealist. I am a high achiever with high personal standards. I also have a strong sense of justice and morality. I am always uneasy in a world that is far from fair and in which evil goes untethered. These qualities which have been a great asset in life have also proved to be my greatest vulnerabilities. In the face of anxiety, not meeting expectations or being unable to change things, depression was a place to withdraw and retreat. But life was meant for living, enjoying and engaging.
There’s no easy solution. I had to learn to live with and manage my depression. That has been a journey, sometimes a struggle, and it has required change. Four things have been important resources for me.
The first thing was medication. When I was in year 10 my mum took me to our GP. I was prescribed anti-depressants to help manage my moods and aggression. During university and a couple of times during my adult life I tried coming off them. I’d manage okay for six to twelve months and then spiral down again. I’ve been prescribed three different medications over the years and the one I take now takes the edge off the gloom and helps me manage my inner world and outer life. Now I take a tablet every day. I’ve been able to get by on a relatively low dose so the side effects aren’t too significant. My libido is lower, my weight has increased a bit, and I’m now dizzy around heights. My thinking is a little less sharp but not so anxious. I never self-medicated with drugs or alcohol. I figured I had enough problems already. Whether depression is episodic or persistent I think it’s important to accept that medication is necessary for many people. I do look forward to the day when the biological triggers for depression are better understood, brain chemistry can be monitored, and treatment more individually prescribed.
Secondly, I’ve benefited from periodic therapy with a counsellor or psychologist. This gave me an opportunity to talk about my feelings and struggles- something I don’t do with too many people. More importantly it helped to explore some of the beliefs and self-talk that contributed to negative thinking, anxiety and feeling out of control. Thinking influences emotions and behaviour. Changing what we think begins with challenging how we think. This approach to therapy is called cognitive behavioural therapy and has proved helpful for me in many areas of my life. I’ve also come to accept that life isn’t going to be a party every day. Even “normal” people have down days. It would be exhausting to feel ecstatically happy all the time.
Third, positive people and supportive relationships have helped me. Knowing there are people in my circle of friends, family and colleagues who care about me, believe in me, value me and know me is encouraging. My depression has always been worse at the times I’ve felt alone. Sometimes I’ve just had to reach out and tell someone how I’m feeling. I’ve also discovered that there are more people out there who struggle with mental illness- especially anxiety, depression or negative self-concept, than you might think. It’s a two-way thing and there are often times when I encourage others, cheer them up, or challenge their negative self-talk. Doing life with real people is preferable to social media.
The last significant resource is my outlook. My personal faith, theological beliefs and religious world view have helped me to gain perspective, encouragement and hope. Even if a person isn’t religious I think they should explore their world view and think philosophically about the world and themselves. I don’t have all the answers but it has helped me make sense of life. My spiritual life, bible reading, worship, and church community have enriched my life and rise above depression and anxiety. It is a source of inner peace and purpose. It gives me a positive outlook and greater appreciation for the things that matter most in life. It has also helped me to be more understanding of others and see the importance of forgiveness and healing for the hurts that life brings.
I’m over forty now. I still have ups and downs. Tough times in relationships, pressure at work, setbacks, and criticism are all triggers that I have to be aware of. I have to be disciplined and intentional about managing stress, maintaining balance, staying healthy, avoiding the SADS in winter, sleeping enough and not overworking.
Twenty years ago I began work with a theology degree as a school chaplain and church pastor. Working with people all the time was pretty draining and I’ve eventually found a niche that is satisfying and fits well. I now have a master’s degree in leadership and management. I’ve had the opportunity to serve in leadership roles in three countries. I’m currently leading a small Christian denomination in the South Island. I enjoy my work and feel valued and appreciated by my colleagues. I suppose I’ve been moderately successful.
I’m married with five children and getting better at being a husband and father. I try to give my kids a positive outlook and build their resilience. I’m still learning how to better support my 15-year-old son who has a mental illness.
Life goes on and I think, despite its challenges, it will only get better.
